Jeff Lawrence

Gay Jewish Brooklyn Nets fan recovering addict Stand Up Comedian Need to know more?

10 Reasons Why NY Sucks (from a native New Yorker)

1) There are no New Yorkers. 

Everyone is from somewhere else.  If I move to Florida and stay three months I’m not a Floridian.  You are not a New Yorker.  New Yorkers have fled the city en masse because they are smarter than everyone that comes here. The brilliant New Yorkers outsmarted everyone.  They went ahead and died.   

2) The Yankees can’t buy a championship any more. 

Even the FUCKING NY Yankees are on a budget and can’t afford free agents. Gone are the good old days when we had an off year and George Steinbrenner would fire everyone and then buy every free agent over the Winter.  Come October, we were parading down 5th Avenue yelling “The Red Sox Sucks”.   Why take it out on the Red Sox? Rivalry? Nah, cause deep down inside we know that Boston is a better town to live in than this shit hole. 

3) No Pets Allowed. 

Except cockroaches, mice, and rats, everyone has them.  I paid a premium and moved into a new building for the sole reason of no living things. No Pets Allowed on the lease.  I was sick of living in a tenement building and having cockroaches crawl on me at night, literally.  There were none….for about 5 years.  Then a Buddhist Temple moved into the ground floor space and started feeding the pigeons, feeding the rats, cooking food that smelled like burnt gerbils and athletes foot, and voila! cockroaches AND rats and pigeons.  No mice cause the rats eat them.  They do that by the way, just google it.   And if you want to find a place that allows dogs, your less than 2% vacancy chance of an apartment just went to .0007%…good luck. 

4) The Mayor always sucks. 

Doesn’t matter who, Ed Koch was the last great Mayor.  That’s because he was a closet homosexual and we all KNEW itAnd that made him human.  He checked me out once HARD at a restaurant, the only time my poor Jewish parents took me out to a hip place, and my Mother leaned over and said “I think he likes you”.  He did, he liked everyone, except people that littered. He hated litter, all we gays do. 

5) The expensive rent. 

And I’m talking about 10 years ago.  Now, it’s just ransom money.  You pay, and pay and pay, until you bleed and there is nothing left.  But life is so hard, you still got to go out the expensive meal, the expensive club, and that’s what credit cards are for.  And I used them… a lot.  I was in debt for over 30 of my 40 years living here.  It got so bad I would call Chase and they would pick up and say “Hi Jeff!” You owe,  $41,753….and 52 cents.  I finally got out of debt, and next I’ll tell you how you can too!

6) You Stop Doing Everything! 

That’s right,, the only way to get ahead in NYC is to stop going to the expensive restaurant, never rent a car, do your laundry yourself, carry your tupperware lunch everywhere or live on one giant Chipotle burrito a day.  You get “sick” on your best friends birthday so you don’t have to buy a gift”  Christmas presents? forget it.  Radiohead tickets? Got a grand?  When you leave your towels hanging in the bathroom for an extra week to save on the laundry bill, you know you’re living in NYC.  

7) Everyone wants More! 

Not just the fat guy on line in front of you in Chipotle, everyone.  And God forbid you live better than your friends, and can afford the new laptop and new flat screen,

8) IT FEELS like everyone around you is wealthy. 

That’s cause everyone is…except you.  NYC is really an experiment conducted by aliens from a far away planet.  You are the subject.  The rest of the New Yorkers are the aliens.  The experiment is designed to see how much you can take.  And you think about leaving all the time, but you can’t.  Because they control your mind and if you left the experiment will end.  

9) You use Whole Foods as a pickup place. 

I’ll admit it, the men are hotter there than any gay bar, and I can browse, the isles are wide. No sweaty guys trying to rip me off on drugs.  You can spot the vegans and avoid them. Actually you can’t

10) Everyone is into really bad HIPSTER food. 

Seriously, how did this city get the reputation as the best food in the world?  Just about everything is hipster inedible. I don’t know know what drugs people take to come up with a taco served on Naan Bread with braised shoulder lamb, shredded polar beer ears, batteries, shirachi, and parmesan.  Not just any parmesan, imported parmesan from the Antoninino valley.  Google it, it doesn’t exist.